A couple months ago I realized my wardrobe was pretty bland. My Mom self had taken over. I decided it was time to "up my game". So I kinda went on a little shopping spree. Felt good. Got rid of some old things, made room for the new. The only problem with this is once you open the hatch of shopping and spending…its a deep, dangerous downward spiral. The more you buy, the more you want. What you have is never enough. So I entered into this spiral. Its not me to be a shopaholic, and to regular women my shopping problem would probably make them laugh. It really wasn't that much. But it was my heart. My heart was constantly in this state of coveting what I didn't have. A state of discontent. And so the problem with spirals is that they don't just stop in one area. They tend to consume you. In every area discontentment seeped in. We started the process of what it would look like to sell our house…nothing big, just looking into it…which all of a sudden I started hating every square inch of my house (which I normally love). So this discontentment took over everything. My clothes, my house, which then transferred to my body and looks. Nothing was right. So I sit down to have my quiet time and confess the state of my heart to my God. Which, always snaps me out of my discontent pretty fast. But what I didn't expect was His response to me. It was pretty simple: "Give me a year." Ok, Lord, I'll give you a year, no problem…..anything you want. "A year of no shopping for yourself" …..come again? Did I hear that right? "Yes. A whole year"……dang it….this must be off, thats a lot to ask for a woman who in reality shops quite a bit for herself. I mean, whats an extra $20 every Target trip for myself, piled into the $100 of household good and groceries? totally slips under the radar…."$130 to Target? Ooohh, you know, had to get a bunch of stuff for the house…toilet paper, cleaning supplies, diapers, man adds up fast" …..my one little shirt or pants or shoes flies easily by unnoticed….So, you can imagine my shock. I argued with God about it for a good 3-4 days. I finally sit down with my amazing group of Women I'm doing a Bible Study with once a week and everything comes spilling out….I expect them to breeze over this tiny little thing God is asking of me. But they don't. They attack this saying 'I have to do it'….'how amazing'….'God is going to do such huge things in you through this'…yada yada yada….not the response I was wanting, but exactly the kick in the pants I needed. I have been asking God for more. Never ask God for more if your not serious about it. So here we go. My journey as I start 2014 with not buying myself anything. I'm absolutely terrified. Scared to death. Had my first full blown panic attack yesterday in Target. Like, chest tightening, shortness of breath, heart racing…never experienced that before ever. Note to self, and anyone out there…don't go buy a bunch of stuff when in the midst of having a panic attack…doesn't help. I walked out with a new bathing suit, 3 tank tops, and 2 t-shirts.
Im going to have to stay clear of Target for a while.