Month 4

Skipped blogging in month 3.  But heres to month 4. This month has been a doozy.  And I do have a couple slip ups to document....but for the most part I'm pretty proud of myself and for God for giving me strength against this crazy "wanting more" cycle.  It has not been easy.  Especially now that Spring is officially here and warm weather and new lines have blasted us as a society at every turn.  I feel like I can't go anywhere or even get the mail or watch TV or be on any social network (Pinterest is the worst) without being assaulted by visually stimulating fashion trends.  Easter Sunday was the absolute worst.  Taking my 4 kids new Easter outfit shopping with not one glance towards the Women's section took every single ounce of self control I could muster.  But I did it.  I got through the shopping trip, I got through yet another shopping trip for my kids (they are growing like weeds, all of them) and I made it through Easter Sunday without buying one piece of clothing or accessory for myself!!  This is a very large feet for me.  Another large feet? Well, I chopped my hair.  I did it on a whim.  Note to self: when growing out hair and it gets to the awful in-between phase that you just can't stand, power through, don't fall in to a moment of weakness by how awful it is.  I did. I do every time, just can't seem to make it through that hump.  Owell. It'll grow again and someday I'll make it past that phase...my point in this is, it was shocking to me.  Even though I took in the picture, I gave it a whole 2 days thought for crying out loud! It still schocked me, and I hated it (no reflection on my hair dresser) just had one of those "oh dear, what did I do?" day, then day after, and day after...and in those days is THE BEST time to go shopping for yourself! I wanted nothing more than to tear over to Macys or even Target and buy the entire women's section...anything to make me feel pretty.  But, once again, I prayed a ton, and exerted an insane amount of self control and got through it.  Not all the way through it, still feeling it, but i think I'm through the worst.  All in all, its been a tough April. Im ready for some hair growth and May.  Ready for another month to be behind me!

3 and 3/4 down, 8 and a 1/4 left!

And here is my confession list of buying (which, by the way, were to me, completely justified):

1) I bought myself a necklace while Sean and I took our kids to Disneyland for the first time.  Felt like it was a once-in-five-years opportunity, and felt totally ok with it.

2) Had to end up buying myself a new pair of running shoes and inserts for a 200 mi relay race I ran a a few weeks ago....was having some major knee pain, and didn't want to destroy my body.  New shoes=happy and properly functioning body....worth it.

3) this is another once-in-a-liftime excuse, bought myself a headband while at my race with the name of the race on it.  Its pretty cool. Its bright orange and I love it.  And to be quite honest, it was a total caught up in the moment purchase.  I really didnt NEED it, but I was caught up in the hype and I caved.  But, again, I'm ok with it, and don't feel like I let myself down or that God is dissapointed in any way

4) and last but not least- our really good friend Dan Lance was in town from CO last week and threw an awesome Rooster Party show while here.  Great show.  And while there they had the tables set up in the back with all the t-shirts and necklaces to buy to support the cause....really felt led to support my friend and Invision and make a couple purchases.

Thats it.  Not too bad. Could be better, could be worse.  All in all, its my heart I'm dealing with, and weekly I feel a little bit more refining happening in me through this process.  A lot of self realization, a lot of thoughts I don't think I would normally have.  And in the end if I only make it 6 mo or 8 mo, or the whole 12 (which Im really shooting for) I have already learned so much and I feel my heart changing, and I feel like in small ways through this I am drawing closer to the Lord....

I am anxious to see how the rest of this year plays out.  

1 month down

One month down. 11 months to go.

So far, so good on my one year of not shopping for myself.  I feel the need to clarify my "calling" for the year, I only feel called to not shop for myself.  No clothes, no jewelry, no purses, no shoes, or accessories.  This is a personal mission. With that said, Ive had a lot of inquiries as to how I'm doing, and honestly, it hasn't been too hard...quite yet.  I had done a lot of shopping in the fall, so I feel like my wardrobe has been set for the winter.  And, in reality, my wardrobe is set for the entire year… which i will have to continually remind myself, because I know the true test will be in the Spring and Summer when the new lines hit the store fronts.

I have felt so much freedom already this month! Its unbelievable the freedom and joy that comes just from saying a simple yes.  To being obedient to the nudges of the Holy Spirit.  I have been asking God for a while for more of Him, yet when I'd feel those nudges Ive tended to ignore them and turn the other direction.  How can I expect more of God if He can't even trust me with the little things He asks of me? Luke 16:10-13 ran over and over in my head the last few days of December and the first week of January. It is this:

"If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.  But if you are dishonost in little things, you won't be honest in greater responsibilities. And if you are untrustworthy with worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? And if you are not faithful with other peoples things, why should you be trusted with things of your own? No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and money."

I have intended on writing all these verses down on cards and having them above the sink to faithfully read and memorize…and, come to think of it, I think I actually did, but Im pretty sure they didn't make it from the table to my wall over my sink…come to think of it even more, and I think either my 2 yr old, or my 5 yr old turned them into a science project….I will have to remedy that.  Nothing around this house, with 4 kids is sacred.  Anyway, my intentions are to memorize that passage throughout this year.  My intentions are to be faithful with the little things cause I want so badly to be a woman that God can trust to be faithful with larger things!!

So heres to month 2!

2014

Wow, been years since I've opened up my blog. Thought I'd brush off the dust its collected and give it a go.  Here we go. On the Eve of 2014.  God has asked me of some things in this new year, so I thought I'd put myself out there and share my journey.  

A couple months ago I realized my wardrobe was pretty bland.  My Mom self had taken over.  I decided it was time to "up my game". So I kinda went on a little shopping spree. Felt good.  Got rid of some old things, made room for the new. The only problem with this is once you open the hatch of shopping and spending…its a deep, dangerous downward spiral.  The more you buy, the more you want. What you have is never enough.  So I entered into this spiral.  Its not me to be a shopaholic, and to regular women my shopping problem would probably make them laugh.  It really wasn't that much. But it was my heart.  My heart was constantly in this state of coveting what I didn't have. A state of discontent.  And so the problem with spirals is that they don't just stop in one area. They tend to consume you.  In every area discontentment seeped in.  We started the process of what it would look like to sell our house…nothing big, just looking into it…which all of a sudden I started hating every square inch of my house (which I normally love).  So this discontentment took over everything.  My clothes, my house, which then transferred to my body and looks.  Nothing was right.  So I sit down to have my quiet time and confess the state of my heart to my God.  Which, always snaps me out of my discontent pretty fast.  But what I didn't expect was His response to me.  It was pretty simple: "Give me a year." Ok, Lord, I'll give you a year, no problem…..anything you want.  "A year of no shopping for yourself" …..come again? Did I hear that right? "Yes.  A whole year"……dang it….this must be off, thats a lot to ask for a woman who in reality shops quite a bit for herself.  I mean, whats an extra $20 every Target trip for myself, piled into the $100 of household good and groceries? totally slips under the radar…."$130 to Target? Ooohh, you know, had to get a bunch of stuff for the house…toilet paper, cleaning supplies, diapers, man adds up fast" …..my one little shirt or pants or shoes flies easily by unnoticed….So, you can imagine my shock.  I argued with God about it for a good 3-4 days.  I finally sit down with my amazing group of Women I'm doing a Bible Study with once a week and everything comes spilling out….I expect them to breeze over this tiny little thing God is asking of me.  But they don't.  They attack this saying 'I have to do it'….'how amazing'….'God is going to do such huge things in you through this'…yada yada yada….not the response I was wanting, but exactly the kick in the pants I needed.  I have been asking God for more.  Never ask God for more if your not serious about it. So here we go.  My journey as I start 2014 with not buying myself anything.  I'm absolutely terrified.  Scared to death.  Had my first full blown panic attack yesterday in Target.  Like, chest tightening, shortness of breath, heart racing…never experienced that before ever.  Note to self, and anyone out there…don't go buy a bunch of stuff when in the midst of having a panic attack…doesn't help.  I walked out with a new bathing suit, 3 tank tops, and 2 t-shirts. 

Im going to have to stay clear of Target for a while.